tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
