for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
