I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just found a bag of teeth...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
