Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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