what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
