he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
