why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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