Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
