my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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