Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
