I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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