Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
