when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
