I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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