hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
