My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
