I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am full of burrito and curiosity
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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