Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize