I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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