woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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