I'm going to jail i love you
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize