My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
