you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
