You're earring is so big in my mouth
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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