sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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