I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize