just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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