this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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