for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
