we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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