The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
