Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
