Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
