I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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