It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
