I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
