well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
