pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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