I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
