Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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