if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
