so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
