wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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