my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
