just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
