Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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