I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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