I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
