Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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