I just pynch a tree in the face
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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