Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
