I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i think my cat just said my name.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
