I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
