There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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