Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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