david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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