Barsexuality is the new black.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
