Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
