apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
