She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
