I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
