Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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